A marriage check-up is a great way to maintain a healthy marriage, and we refer to it as the “state of our marriage” address. We’ve already written articles about checking in, connecting, and growing together with your spouse before.
But this week, we want to highlight the importance of marriage check ups and how you can do one with your spouse in 6 simple steps.
Plus marriage check-in questions you can use, insights from our marriage checkups, and two helpful marriage checkup resources for couples.
Why a marriage checkup is essential for your marriage
Marriage checkups help you and your spouse to resolve issues while they are minor (before they become a bigger problem), be on the same page, get to know your spouse better, and best of all, improve your marriage.
At the very least, you will know where you both are in terms of your finances, emotions, spiritual growth, physical, sexual satisfaction, and intellectual state.
In the early years of our marriage, we had a marriage check-up at least twice a month. But after setting up our foundation for satisfaction, we switched to once a month.
The increased frequency helped us to discover the root cause of some of our personal and marriage issues. Thereby helping us solve those issues while they were minor.
More benefits of marriage checkups
1. It brings you closer together as a couple in more ways than one, discovering more about each other.
2. It’s definitely a great way to communicate with each other because it teaches you how to communicate with your spouse.
3. It helps you work through insecurities, learn about your strengths and weaknesses. In addition, it encourages honesty in your marriage.
4. It gives you a safe and open space, to both give and receive critiques, that help you grow as an individual, and together with your spouse.
5. It keeps you on track with your marriage, family, and life goals.
6. It creates happiness when both spouses feel they are heard, and see each other making efforts to create a better life.
7. It holds each other accountable. Who better to do this than the person who knows you the best?
Marriage check up is a great way to communicate with your spouse
Whether you are a newlywed or even a long-time married couple, communication with each other is something we all have to continue learning and practicing.
And marriage check ups presents us with an opportunity to do just that. Simply because you have to be open-minded and honest with each other for the process to work.
Be willing to listen empathetically to your husband or wife so you can accept their sincere critique. Because your spouse has the best intentions for you.
Your spouse plays a huge role in your marriage check-up
In a healthy marriage with respect and love, your spouse is your best friend. Your spouse knows you (or should know you) better than anyone else. And vice versa.
You live with him/her under the same roof, share the same bed, share the good times, as well as the bad times with.
The ONE you can talk about anything and everything with. He or she is your safe haven and should be honest with you for the good of your marriage.
Your spouse sees you at your best, and your worst; which makes it easier to have regular marriage checkups.
How to have your marriage check up (In 6 simple steps)
Below are steps you can follow to have an insightful marriage check up with your spouse.
Step 1:
Discuss its importance and benefits with your spouse so you can both agree to do it regularly and put it on the calendar.
Let your spouse know why you want one, and the important role your spouse plays in a marriage checkup.
Step 2:
Set a regular time (daily, weekly, bi-weekly, monthly, quarterly, etc.) that you can both sit down and check the temperature of your marriage. Don’t take this check up for granted.
From our experience, marriage checkups usually last between 30 to 90 minutes. However, because we spend time connecting for at least an hour each day, we use this period to talk about the state of our marriage.
We recommend doing a weekly marriage check up to start with, then adjusting to a frequency you both like later on.
Step 3:
Before you begin your checkup, tell each other three things your spouse did during the week that you are grateful for.
Simply because expressing gratitude to each other will set a great tone for your conversations.
Check out these gratitude journaling prompts for ideas.
Step 4:
Ask each other the question below to start your marriage check up conversations.
“Tell me one thing you think I can improve on so I can continue to become better for myself, our family, and marriage.”
In other words, “What is one thing I need to work on next week to become a better person and spouse?” This is the most important question we always ask each other during our checkups with an open mind.
We’ve added more weekly and yearly marriage check in questions right after Step 6 that you can use to guide your conversations. Plus a PDF version you can download or print.
Step 5:
Having a marriage check up is the first step, practicing what you decided to do is just as important, if not more.
Be honest and go to work on improving your marriage, family, and life.
Practice what you agreed to do individually, and as a couple to improve your marriage. Take action on your plans, because it will make a huge difference in your marriage.
Step 6:
Before you start your next marriage checkup, discuss with your spouse about what went well, and what didn’t go well based on your previous marriage checkup.
Take note of any progress or retrogression made and review the goals you set for your self and marriage. Then think about whether you are happy with your marriage or not.
What areas do you have to improve so your marriage becomes better? Specifically, what do you have to do to become a better spouse?
[Take this marriage checkup quiz.]
Weekly marriage check in questions to ask
1. What is one thing you really enjoyed this week (your high)?
2. What was really challenging for you this week (your low)?
3. What can I do for you to make your life a little easier next week?
4. On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate our sexual intimacy this week?
• What can we do to make it better next week?
5. On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate our emotional connection this week?
• What can we do to make it better next week?
6. On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate our intellectual connection this week?
• What can we do to make it better next week?
7. On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate our friendship and ability to have fun and enjoy each other’s company this week?
• What can we do to make it better next week?
Yearly marriage check in questions to ask
1. What goals would you like us to achieve next year as a couple?
• What are your individual goals?
2. What is the best investment we should make for our marriage next year?
3. What can we do to make our marriage better next year? (What didn’t you like about this year?)
4. What did you learn from our marriage this year?
5. What are you looking forward to the most next year?
6. What marriage book should we read and discuss together next year?
Marriage check in questions PDF
To get all the questions above in a beautiful PDF format, just click here to download or print.
And feel free to share it with other married couples too.
For more questions, click here to discover 69 thought-provoking questions for couples.
Marriage check-ups can sometimes be challenging
It will be challenging at first to not take your spouse’s feedback as a direct insult.
Instead, view them as a form of constructive critique. Because learning how to approach difficult topics and communicating them with your spouse is part of your marriage journey.
We have realized lately that our marriage check-ups have gone a whole lot smoother than our earlier ones. We actually have lesser critiques for each other as we continue to grow together and work on improving ourselves.
We don’t imply this will be the same for every married couple. Or that it’s a sign you are on track because sometimes, it could be that we aren’t as honest as we could be, or not asking the right questions.
I read a blog once written by a woman who asked her husband not just, “Are you happy with our relationship?” “Is there anywhere I can improve for our family and marriage”; but rather, a more direct question.
She asked if on a scale of 1 to 10 where her husband thought she was of her potential, 10 being the best wife, mother, and person she could be.
As a mother, and a wife I can see how this could get heated if you have insecurities, or lack of trust with your spouse, in order to be able to accept a healthy critique. It’s something we learn and grow through.
If your spouse is a respectful, loving individual and you have a healthy marriage, it should be a safe place to talk about this stuff to help you grow as a person, and together as a couple. – Ashley
Marriage check up resources for couples
Check out the book and online marriage check-up below. Both will help you with your marriage check ups.
» The Couple Checkup: Find Your Relationship Strengths
We took the online Couple Check-up above and were amazed at our results. Even better, it showed us areas in our marriage that we can improve to continue having a healthy and happy marriage.
Final thoughts
Now that you know the WHY, benefits of marriage checkups, and how to do a marriage check up, what are you waiting for?
Schedule a time with your spouse to have a marriage checkup this week. Ask your spouse to tell you three things that you can do to become a better person, spouse, or parent.
As we always say, we don’t have a perfect marriage, but that’s what we strive and work towards.
A healthy marriage must be nurtured and cared for every day.
Your turn
Have you had a marriage checkup with your husband or wife before?
If yes, how often do you have a marriage check-up with your spouse and tips can you share with us? If no, when will you have yours?
PS: Want to have deep, engaging, and meaningful conversations with your spouse? Read this book today.
Related:
Marriage Check Up Quiz: How Strong is Your Relationship?
