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selfishness in marriageSelfishness in marriage will hinder you from truly becoming ONE with your spouse.

Selfishness means to care for yourself, getting as much as you want, and giving as little as you can.

It’s all about you!

Who isn’t selfish before marriage?

The fact of the matter is, that when you are a single unmarried person you only have one person to think about, yourself.

You had to think about what you wanted to eat, wear, what music to listen to, how to spend your money, etc.

Your needs came first, and that is a really good thing to do!

Who else will take care of these needs for you?

But marriage changes it all.

You are now married to the person you want to spend the rest of your live with.

Someone who will prepare the chicken soup for you when you lay on a sick bed. Someone to share your deepest joys and sorrows with.

After we got married all those “I” statements were changed to “we” or “us“.

We had to put each others needs above our wants.

We had to learn to compromise our music styles, our food choices, and agree on how we spent our money.

Before marriage, I was always thinking about how I would survive until we got married.

And then I had to change that mentally to how we will survive.  It was not an easy shift, it took me a while to adjust to married life and this new way of thinking . – Marcus

I never knew how selfish I was until we got married.  If you would ask anyone who knew me before then I think they would tell you I was a very giving person and not selfish at all. 

Certain clothing I wore before we were married all of a sudden became a bit too revealing in my husband’s opinion. (he was right!)  

I had to start thinking about how the things I did effected both of us.- Ashley

So who is more selfish, the husband or the wife?

It all depends on who you are as a person, and who your spouse is.

It could even be both of you.

In our first year of marriage, dealing with selfishness was one of the first struggles we went through, and one of the earlier marriage lessons we had to learn.

We had to learn this before we learned how to communicate with each other.

This is simply because in order for us to properly communicate, we had to be willing to put the “I” aside and listen to each other, the “WE.”

Trying to understand each other’s point of view is a selfless thing to do, not selfish.

Effects of selfishness on you, your marriage, and family.

There are many effects of selfishness in marriage, the ones we share below is what quickly comes to mind for us:

  • It repels others from you, and makes people easily dislike you.
  • It creates hurt feelings and resentment in marriage.
  • It can cause communication issues and other marriage problems.
  • It affects your happiness in marriage.
  • Prevents you from thinking about your spouse and marriage.
  • Prevents a couple from growing together in marriage.
  • Prevents the building of trust and loyalty in marriage.

Signs of selfishness in marriage.

If you:

  • Find it difficult to compromise.
  • Believe it all has to be about you.
  • Do not like to give or share.
  • Realize forgiving others is difficult for you, consider yourself as being selfish.
  • Feel as if you are competing with your spouse.
  • Think you are better than your spouse.
  • Only care about yourself.

But that is not the end, you can work on yourself to stop being a selfish spouse.

So how do you become selfless, instead of selfish to your spouse, and marriage?

You can achieve this by denying that little voice inside of you that says:

  • But I want my way right now!
  • I don’t want to wait ….so I will hide it from my spouse.
  • I don’t want to compromise.
  • That’s too uncomfortable!
  • I want, I want, I want!”

Yes, it sounds very immature.

Let us clarify.

We are not saying your husband or wife has to deny your actual needs.

Rather, you should both learn to put the each others needs above your wants.

If you both do this, and take turns when it comes to certain things, then it should be a match made in heaven!

Remember you can’t change anyone except yourself, so work on you.

Improve yourself, and if you are in a happy and healthy relationship your spouse will follow suit.

Thinking of your needs and standing up for what your morals are is not selfish, it’s what makes you who you are.

You also need to stand up for your actual needs. Otherwise you are creating a very unhealthy relationship where you deny yourself completely and will lose yourself.

You will be on your way to becoming a robot.

The trick is learning to balance it all.

How to overcome selfishness in marriage.

Dealing with a selfish spouse can be extremely difficult. But have you thought about whether you are also being selfish spouse?

Sometimes one spouse’s decision to become selfless provides the other spouse with an opportunity to stop being a selfish spouse.

Below are tips that can help you to overcome selfishness in your marriage.

1. Be responsible, and admit that you are selfish. This is hard to accept, but once you know it, its easier to overcome selfishness.

Ask yourself, “Is this what is best for both of us, or just me?”

2. Review the root cause of all your money problems. Is it because you want to spend more on your wants?

This is a great way to start working on overcoming selfishness.

3. Communicate with your spouse about your selfish behavior, and find a balance where you can compromise.

Take turns on who gets to pick what.

This will help you to build a strong foundation and set a great pattern for the marriage you desire.

4. Understand that you are now one, and anything you do directly affect each others lives and the marriage.

5. Change your thinking process, start thinking as “WE,” not “I.”

6. Give and share your thoughts, money, etc with your spouse. Don’t be hiding the inheritance, or extra bonus you received at work, or the extra spending you have done.

7. Be patient, it takes time and effort to change from being selfish to selfless.

8. Don’t blame your spouse for everything he/she does. (Stop being competitive)

To become selfless instead of selfish in your marriage, start by denying that spoiled little child inside you that says, “I should have everything I want when I want it, and how I want it.”

Then start to apply the 8 tips above, improve yourself and work on YOU.

Your marriage will not be healthy if you are a selfish spouse.

Your turn:

Can a selfish marriage be healthy and lasting?

How do you overcome selfishness in marriage?

Image courtesy David Castillo Dominici / Freedigitalphotos