Being unified should be the basis for every marriage.
By being unified we don’t mean you wont have disagreements or different opinions; you are two different people with two different personalities, the trick is to give and take, then come to an agreement.
Therefore, married couples need to understand how to be unified, and learn how to apply it in their marriage.
The examples we share below show how we each learned and applied this marriage lesson in unique ways but for the same reason; unity.
During our first year of marriage, I learned some really important marriage lessons, but the most important lesson that stood out was putting into action, “how to work together as one.”
We all know once you are married to your spouse you both become one, but how do you work together as one?
How do you ensure your efforts or the things you are doing is for each other not against each other?
Looking at our different upbringing, and expectations in marriage, some of the things we did in our first month of being married worked against us.
For example, Ashley is the spender, and I am the saver. Whatever money we had, she had the tendency to spend on things we might not need. I would rather prefer to save the money for more important stuff.
The things I thought were important for us, she thought otherwise, and vice versa. I could spend 50$ or less on groceries buying what I thought was healthy but to her the groceries I bought wasn’t healthy.
I was buying unhealthy food in order for us to save some of the little money we had, while she wanted to buy healthy food for us to live longer.
You could easily observe that even though we both had good intentions when it came to simply buying food, but we were effectively working against each other.
There were many marriage lessons I learned in our first year of marriage. The biggest of these marriage lessons relates to communication, but the thing that really gave me a whole new perspective was always believing my spouse had the best intentions for me.
I don’t remember which book I read that had this little insight, but it impacted our relationship in many ways.
I personally believe the above marriage lesson is one of the few marriage lessons that would impact many marriages if both spouses understood it clearly and know how to implement it.
When we first got married, probably in the first month or two, a lot of my insecurities came out. Surprisingly, I had no idea I had them, but marriage has a way of making you work through things you didn’t even know existed.
Due to these insecurities anything Marcus said or did really hurt me emotionally.
Can you imagine how stressful that was for him?
I thank God he is very patient. I might sound pathetic, but I guess I’ll call it the American fairy tale image (my marriage expectations) I had in my head of how things were “supposed” to be, mixed with associating my past knowledge and experiences in an abusive home.
Things he did would set off triggers and I would be a mess.
He would have no idea why I was so emotional. Once I read this statement, my spouse always had the best intentions for me, it was like a wave of realization spread all over me.
My internal dialogue went something like this, “wait, re-read… believe your spouse has the best intentions and never purposely tries to harm you…
Well he never says mean things, calls me names like my dad did, he is a good man, a great man, that’s why I married him. I can’t believe it, why did I think he would try to hurt me?” Almost all of the men in my life had, but Marcus was different that’s why I married him.
After realizing I had these insecurities, I had a conversation with him to let him know what I was going through. I told him I had realized how wrong I had been, and that I would try to get over these insecurities, but it wasn’t going to be easy.
Anytime I felt hurt, which was quite frequent in the beginning, I would stop myself and ask him, “This is what I think you mean, what do you really mean,” or “when you say this, it makes me feel like____, I know that isn’t your intention.”
What we learned.
“Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they’re on the same side.”
A married couple is a team, therefore both husband and wife have to work in unity and with trust, while relying on each other. Marriage lessons come in different shapes and sizes but the most important thing, is to learn from them.
What is the most important marriage lesson you learned during your first year of marriage?