The best marriage lesson we learned in the first year of our marriage was being truly unified. It was by far the most important of all the marriage lessons we learned during the first year of our marriage.
Being unified should be the basis for every marriage foundation.
Married couples need to understand how to work towards being unified as soon as you both say “I do”.
The examples we share below show how we each learned and applied this marriage lesson in unique ways but for the same reason; unity.
During our first year of marriage, I learned some really important marriage lessons, but the most important lesson that stood out was putting into action, “how to work together as one.”
We all know once you are married to your spouse you both become one, but how do you work together as one?
How do you ensure your efforts are for the betterment of both you and your spouse, not against?
Looking at our different upbringing, and expectations in marriage, some of the things we did in our first month being married worked against us.
For example, Ash is the spender, and I am the saver. Whatever money we had, she had the tendency to spend on things that were not necessarily a need. I would rather prefer to save the money for what I deemed more important.
We didn’t agree on which items were important more often than not. I could spend 50$ or less on groceries buying what I thought was healthy but to her the food I chose wasn’t healthy enough.
I was buying the cheapest food in order for us to save some of the little money we had, while she wanted to buy more expensive options with our health in mind.
You could easily observe that even though we both had good intentions when it came to simply buying food, but we were effectively working against each other.
There were many marriage lessons I learned in our first year of marriage. The biggest of these marriage lessons relates to communication, but the thing that really gave me a whole new perspective was always believing Marcus has the best intentions for me.
I don’t remember which book I read that had this little insight, but it impacted our relationship in many ways.
I personally believe tthat if more married couples understood that marriage lesson it would impact so many marriages in a huge way.
When we first got married, probably in the first month or two, a lot of my insecurities came out. Surprisingly, I had no idea I had them, but marriage has a way of making you work through things you didn’t even know existed.
Due to these insecurities anything Marcus said or did really hurt me emotionally. I was constantly feeling rejected by the littlest things.
Can you imagine how stressful that was for him?
Thankfully, he is very patient. I might sound extreme, but I guess I’ll call it the American fairy tale image (my marriage expectations) I had in my head of how things were “supposed” to be, mixed with associating my traumas from the past and experiences in an abusive home where true rejection happened on a daily basis; it became a part of my expectations for the world and all those around me, including the man I loved.
Things he did would trigger me and I would be a mess.
He would have no idea why I was so emotional. Once I read this statement, my spouse always had the best intentions for me, it was like a wave of realization spread all over me.
I was like, WHAT? My husband always has the best intentions and never purposely tries to harm me? Whoa, what have I been doing? He’s such an amazing man, he’d never given me reason to doubt him. So, why have I?
I had to take a closer look at myself and the root of why so many things set me off.
Who was the one that called me names and put me down my whole life? Oh, definitely not my husband.
Who was the one that hurt me, and consistently chose himself over me? Not Marcus.
Who screamed and abused me? Who abandoned me time and time again. Who proved to me they wouldn’t be there when I needed them? Not. My. Husband.
So why was I taking it out on him?
Because I needed to heal. I needed to learn to love myself, forgive myself, and grieve the past so I could let it go.
After realizing I had these insecurities, and deep rooted traumas to work through, I had a conversation with Marcus to let him know what I was going through. I told him I had realized how wrong I had been to assume he’d meant to hurt me like others in my past. I promised I would try to heal from these, but it wasn’t going to be easy, and I needed his understanding and patience.
Anytime I felt hurt, (which was quite frequent in the beginning) I would stop myself and ask him, “This is what I think you mean, what do you really mean,” or “when you say this, it makes me feel like____, I know that isn’t your intention.”
What we learned.
“Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they’re on the same side.”
A married couple is a team, therefore both husband and wife have to work in unity and with trust, while relying on each other. Marriage lessons come in different shapes and sizes but the most important thing, is to learn from them.
What is the most important marriage lesson you learned during your first year of marriage?