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two become oneIn marriage, two become one after the marriage officiant presents the couple as husband and wife.

But what does it really mean for two individuals to become one in marriage?

Does it mean both individuals must change themselves in other to adapt to each other?

Or does it mean  just one individual must change to adapt to the other person?

What if two becoming one means coming together to achieve your marriage goals such as having a family, a life long commitment to each other, etc.?

Could it mean one spouse is able to become complete as a human being by getting married?

Our definition of two become one in marriage.

The intention of marriage should not be to complete yourself or change who you are.

You and your husband/wife should rather compliment each other.

We believe that in marriage, two complete and unique people come together to build a bigger, better component that they could not build on their own.

They become one for a bigger purpose. And as the saying goes, ” two heads are better than one.”

A common reality of two becoming one.

After getting married we are usually told that we become one with our spouse which represents the intimate and closeness of any marriage.

But a lot of people have the wrong understanding when it comes to this (the two become one) though.

Among the married couples we have observed in our lives, we can see a majority of wives and husbands thinking they must follow their spouses against their own good judgement, because they must “submit” or “honor” them.

It seems they don’t understand that they have an equal say in EVERYTHING and are FREE to be themselves.

Understand this.

Just because you get married does not mean you have to mold yourself into the absolute likeness of your spouse.

Or agree to everything especially when you know they are wrong.

Becoming one with your spouse doesn’t mean you are going to have the same opinions, or beliefs about everything.

It means you get to work and grow together to achieve your marriage goals or build something great. 

Sometimes you must come to a compromise in order to move forward with your marriage.

Dr. Henry Cloud explains it best in his best selling book, Boundaries in Marriage:

“Marriage is not slavery. It is based on a love relationship deeply rooted in freedom. Each partner is free from the other and therefore free to love the other. Where there is control, or perception of control, there is not love. Love only exists where there is freedom.”

” Love can only exist where freedom and responsibility are operating. Love creates more freedom that leads to more responsibility, which leads to more and more ability to love.”

“The requirement for oneness is two complete people.”

These statements really put any relationship dynamic into perspective, doesn’t it?

You are free to be who you are while working together towards your marriage goals.

You must be an individual with your own boundaries and opinions.

You must also be responsible.

It’s not just doing things that you want whenever you want. 

You must grow spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually in a positive way, while keeping your priorities straight.

For true love and total oneness to exist in your marriage, or any other relationship, you must be free and complete.

It’s not all about you though, your spouse has these same rights, freedom, and responsibilities.

And you need to respect them!

When the two of you become, marvelous things can be achieved.

The point is, married couples have so much more freedom in their marriage than some think.

Some spouses think they are ONE yet they do not feel free; they feel trapped because they are married.

But marriage is not supposed to be this way.

We had this experience too, especially when we had our daughter. It was as if all our freedom went out the window.

This experience turned into another marriage lesson for us, and it has made our love for each other grow more and more. 

We learned new lessons.

We went from being wife and husband to being mother and father as well( first-time parents).

We learned to find a balance between the many hats we now had to wear, and not feel trapped in our marriage. 

I had to make time connecting with my husband a priority. I had to give so much of my energy and patience to being a mother. 

In addition, I had to remember to take time for myself so I could keep some of my sanity.

I would sometimes take a bath by myself, or go for a run. Jewelry making gave me an outlet for my creativity.

I had to learn that I needed to work on me, just as much as being a mom, and a wife. – Ashley

If we had not adapted to that season of our life, and grow individually then we wouldn’t have much to offer in our marriage and family.

As a result, we will not be able to achieve our marriage goal of becoming ONE.

By growing as separate individuals in healthy ways, we grew closer to each other.

I had to change my daily schedule to adapt to being a husband and father( first-time parent).

It was not an easy transition for me because I enjoy my alone time, but it was something I had been looking forward to. – Marcus

Do not wait until the kids are gone, or have a big fight with your spouse on this issue before you begin to enjoy the freedom you can have in your marriage.

If you feel trapped, talk to your spouse about it.

And come up with a plan of action so you can enjoy your marriage and truly become ONE with your spouse.

If you feel that there are some areas in your marriage where you feel controlled and as a result do not feel you are becoming ONE with your spouse, or that you may be the one doing the controlling, we highly recommend reading Dr. Henry Cloud’s book Boundaries in Marriage.

It has shown us areas that we need to work on ourselves so that our marriage can grow, and we can intimately become ONE.

Your turn:

How can you become one with your spouse? Leave your comment below.

Image courtesy sscreations /FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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