Do you have any forbidden words in your marriage? Early on our marriage, the first couple months, we had a very important discussion about divorce.
It’s amazing how much a relationship can change after we say the words, “I do”.
It seemed like all my insecurities came out, and we addressed them head-on. Marcus would say something and I would take it the wrong way because of my baggage from the past. – Ash
We were learning first hand about how men and women communicate differently. ( that’s another blog post found here).
As we worked through these issues, we sat down and discussed how some words should be forbidden in our marriage unless we are one hundred percent ready to follow through. The dreaded “D” word being top of the list. This was also true for name-calling or insults in any argument, or disagreement we had.
The word ‘divorce’ incites a few things: that you view this marriage as a temporary (when it gets too hard, leave) sort of relationship; that you are not in it wholeheartedly; and erodes trust in the marriage.
Divorce is just one of the forbidden words for a marriage where the couple have decided to be together forever.
Marriage should be forever if two people are willing to work at it, and keep their marriage a PRIORITY; they should be committed to the marriage.
Using the word “divorce” or saying things like “I’m just gonna leave one of these days”, ” maybe I’ll find someone who appreciates me more,” OR “Why don’t you just leave me then?”
It can be devastating to the trust and intimacy in marriage and deeply scar your spouse emotionally.
You’re supposed to be each other’s safe place.
Let’s go on a small tangent here, and l will explain our belief on divorce and marriage.
We both agreed we wouldn’t stay in a relationship where we were not happy and growing, where there is cheating, lies, drugs, alcohol/ physical/ emotional/ verbal/ sexual abuse. Due to family history, we are actually pro divorce for these reasons.
We both set the parameters early on in our marriage what would constitute a divorce for us. We know some marriages can survive infidelity, but not for us. We both agreed that if either of us every strayed, we’d get divorced because that trust would be severed.
However, we continually work hard to set and keep boundaries and an open channel of communication so that doesn’t happen. We’re honest and we check in with each other consistently to make sure we’re both getting our needs met.
Let us clarify, relationships go through all sorts of ups and downs. We’re not saying if you are in a low point to end it; that is definitely not one of the reasons for divorce. You should always do everything in your power to work on, enhance, prioritize, and enjoy your marriage. How?
Well that’s what our blog is all about, giving you ideas on what works for us! If your marriage is not a priority, it will not be a great one. How do we do this? We sacrifice a lot, are committed to each other, believe in each other, work on our finances, and communicate a lot!
Have we ever considered Divorce?
There has been a few times that we had to sit down and have a serious discussion about the state of our marriage. Communicating effectively through these situations helped us come out stronger and solidified our trust while enhancing our intimacy.
When Ash lost her religion, Marcus had to decide if our relationship was more important than matching ideologies.
When Marcus spent money and didn’t tell Ash the first year we were married, trust was broken. Ash explained that she couldn’t stay in a marriage with someone she couldn’t trust as much as she loved Marcus.
When we disagreed with how we should discipline our children, we had to take a good hard look at WHY we each believed the way we did and be willing to read the research and be open-minded enough to hear each other’s concerns out while trying to be conscious parents.
These situations required us to look inward and ask ourselves and each other, if this continues, will I be happy in this marriage? Never once was this a fight. Never once did we raise our voice. Never once, did we say “I want a divorce.” Because we came together, respectfully with the intent to see if we could work through these issues because we value each other and the marriage we’ve worked so hard to build.
Every time, we were able to come to a solution. And every time, this involved personal growth.
It’s not 50/50, it’s 100/100.
You should both give one-hundred percent.
Another way to look at it is if any of your children come along and they hear mom and dad use this forbidden word in an argument (out of habit), it disrupts their whole foundation as they realize the one stable and constant parental unit in their life, could fracture.
We’re not saying that parents must be perfect all the time for their children, as we know this is impossible, but stability is such an integral part of any child’s foundation.
There is no place in our marriage, or any healthy relationship, for threats of leaving, finding another, divorce, or belittling and name-calling. This is about respecting each other, loving each other maybe even when you don’t “like” each other in the moment.
Your turn
What are the forbidden words in your marriage? Do you even have any forbidden words in your life or marriage?
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