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How to reconnect with your spouse

Do you miss the spark you used to have? Do you want to reconnect with your spouse, make them feel loved and special again?

Or are you looking for ways to turn your roommate back into your spouse?

Unfortunately, having a disconnect with your spouse is one of the difficult things a lot of married couples experience in their marriage.

Note: This article contains excerpts from our book: Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: How to Connect or Reconnect With Your Spouse, Grow Together, and Strengthen Your Marriage.

We have also experienced the lack of connection; so, we know how it feels.

This disconnect happens when you no longer feel a deep connection with your spouse because you are not connecting with each other every day.

It is one of the “silent” reasons why some marriages end. Especially when coupled with other factors like:

Busy schedules, during pregnancy, after childbirth, career changes, separations like deployments, kids, health issues, looming work deadlines, unexpected life and family events etc.,

So how do you reconnect with your spouse when you feel a disconnect in your marriage?

Reconnecting with your spouse may feel like a climbing a huge mountain.

But the truth is, it’s not. Especially if you intentionally spend time together every single day doing something together.

Even if you don’t know how the disconnect happened, or where to start. Below are different ways and simple things you can do to reconnect with your spouse emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, physically and of course, sexually.

How to reconnect with your spouse emotionally

1. Cheer each other on.

Share your successes together, as well as the struggles.This goes along with sharing your personal goals as well, but even more in your everyday life.

Be each other’s cheerleader. You are there to help keep your spouse accountable and to celebrate their successes together.

Whether this means you are on the sidelines while your spouse is playing their favorite sport, or sitting with them while they sell their wares at a farmer’s market.

Be there for each other and have your spouse’s back.

2. Observe and appreciate the good qualities of your spouse when it comes to them as a person, a spouse, and as a parent.

Thinking about all the good things your spouse does, how blessed you are to have them in your life and that they choose you every single day.

This is an important exercise to do when you are feeling negative about your spouse, or you just don’t care whether they are around or not.

3. Write your spouse a love letter.

Receiving a piece of paper that your spouse took the time to write, or type, all their feelings and everything they appreciate you and your efforts can mean a lot.

A love letter can be especially handy for the spouse that has trouble articulating exactly how they feel verbally. Surprise your spouse with this gift of transparency.

If you are not sure where to start, we wrote an article just for you.

Click here to learn how to write a love letter to your spouse.

4. Volunteer together.

Giving back while spending time together is a great bonding experience. Make some meals and hand them out to the homeless, or volunteer at a shelter.

You both have the opportunity of doing something selfless, while growing your friendship and connecting.

4 Ways to reconnect with your husband or wife intellectually

1. Set goals together.

Sit down at a coffee shop and have a conversation about your goals for this year or this month.

Goals for your money, health, relationship satisfaction, education, politics, business, anything and everything that affects your life.

Or if you are like us and have younger children that make it hard to leave the house, wait for them to be in bed and make a cup of tea or share some mead/wine and cuddle up on the couch together.

Have a conversation that forces you to push your boundaries and come up with ideas. We mention goals a lot because a marriage without goals will essentially lead to you growing apart.

2. Pick a book to read together.

We usually pick one book to read or re-read, together each year.

We each get to read it individually and then discuss it together. It is interesting to see the different takeaways we each get from the same book.

3. Take a class together.

Art class, cooking class, business class, brewery or chocolate making class. See what resources are available in your city, and take advantage of them.

4. Playing a game that makes you think.

Scrabble, upwords, clue, puzzles and card games. This is a fun way to use your brain and bond together.

Click here for more game ideas for couples to play together.

Thought-provoking questions to reconnect with your spouse intellectually

Staying connected intellectually can also be as simple as having meaningful conversations every single day. And below are seven questions that will help you to reconnect with your spouse.

1. What challenges have you had in your life that you are grateful for?

2. What is one thing about me that you discovered, after we got married, that you love about me? One thing you dislike?

3. What is the best investment we should make or do this year for our marriage? An example could be reading a marriage book together.

4. What is better than amazing, mind-blowing, passionate, and satisfying sex?

5. What makes your spouse attractive to you – physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually?

6. What brings you the most joy in our marriage?

7. What would you do if I changed my religious beliefs?

3 Ways to reconnect with your spouse spiritually

1. Pray together or pray for your spouse.

Calling on the higher power(s) you believe in, verbalizing your intentions, sending love and light, or whatever prayer means for each of you.

2. Share the character lessons you are each learning from your sacred text.

Whether you believe in the Bible, Torah, Quran or what have you, there are character lessons that you can discuss.

Even if you are agnostic and do not have any sacred text, there are themes such as the golden rule (Treating others the way you wish to be treated) that we can all glean some wisdom from.

3. Talk about the history of your beliefs, or any specific religion. 

Learning the roots of your own religion, and others can help you understand humanity better; not just your spouse.

As humans, we tend to fear what we do not know.

Educating yourself in other beliefs can take away that fear and aid you in your relationships, your marriage, and beyond.

5 Ways to reconnect with your spouse physically

1. Lay in bed and talk about life together.

2. Go for a walk around your neighborhood hand-in-hand.

3. Have a picnic together.

4. Give each other a massage.

Watch some videos, get some books from the library and learn how to hit all those pressure points so your spouse can thoroughly enjoy being rubbed down by you.

5. Hold hands.

Try spicing it up by running your fingers over their hand, kissing their fingertips, and spelling out flirty words while you talk about your relationship.

How to reconnect with your spouse sexually

If you are looking for ways to reconnect with your spouse sexually, try the following:

1. Lots of foreplay.

See how long you can truly pleasure each other before you just have to have each other.

For a lot of women, foreplay is paramount to their overall sexual experience. So. Take. Your. Time.

2. Play games in the bedroom.

For some fun in the bedroom, you can play truth or dare, strip poker, strip checkers, basically anything that gets you both in the mood and naked.

Click here for fun and sexy board, card, and dice games for couples

3. Quickie.

Sometimes there is nothing hotter than the, “I want you right now, take your clothes off!” quickie.

4. Surprise each other.

A night at a hotel, when you arrive your spouse is already naked or in something eye-catching.

5. Have sex in another room.

Or any fun place you choose. Mixing up the places adds variety to your sexual experience together.

Why reconnecting with your husband/ wife is essential

First, so you don’t lose the emotional or sexual connection and excitement (the butterflies) you had when you first met.

Second, so you can stop arguing or fighting with each other as much.

From our experience, a lot of arguments in marriage can be triggered when there is a disconnect between husband and wife. In other words, there is no unity.

Third, you need to intentionally reconnect with your spouse whenever you feel a disconnect so you don’t end up living like roommates.

If you already feel that connection and excitement for being with your spouse waning, it does not mean your marriage is over. Just be intentional and make time to connect every single day.

Lastly, you will feel more loved, wanted, and appreciated, and vice versa.  The closeness with your spouse will also deepen, which will help you to communicate better with each other.

Final thoughts

As you know, maintaining a strong and intimate connection is critical to the success of your marriage.

So, if you want to reconnect with your spouse, we highly encourage you to immediately put what you have learned to good use, starting today.

More importantly, get your copy of this book so you can discover more actionable and practical ways to reconnect with your spouse and deepen your connection.

Your turn

Have you felt a disconnect in your marriage before? What did you do to reconnect with your spouse?

Image via Jeremy Bishop

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